<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>mama, we all go to hell by ghstboys</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27773491">mama, we all go to hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghstboys/pseuds/ghstboys'>ghstboys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Regulus Black, Child Abuse, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Misgendering, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Regulus Black, Transphobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:39:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,555</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27773491</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghstboys/pseuds/ghstboys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>trans regulus black, through his years at hogwarts. </p><p>big tw for transphobia, misgendering, and child abuse</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. brothers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know that this probably isn't the most accurate depiction of how ten and eleven year olds talk, but I'm letting it slide because Sirius and Regulus aren't ~normal~ children.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The entire house was a gloomy sort of place, the kind of place you wouldn’t imagine children to be. But still, there were two boys, sitting on the hardwood floor, whispering to each other. One, a bit taller, in a wrinkled white button down shirt and slacks, and the other boy, in a stiff green dress, his hair tied back with a ribbon. The older boy, was holding a pair of scissors, looking much more eager then his brother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, Reggie.” He said, trying to sound reassuring, though his voice came out more impatient than anything. “It’s just for the </span>
  <em>
    <span>game</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Anyway, don’t you want it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The younger boy chewed his lip. “Mother will be angry, though.” He had always been much more concerned with what their mother thought, and he hated it - He had always admired his brother, for being able to stand up to her. Or willing to stand up to her, at least. “Can’t we just pretend it’s short?” He did want it, though, badly. Maybe more than anything else, really. He hated his hair, it felt so girly - Even though his brother had long hair too, and assured him that it was very masculine. The problem, though, was that his mother and father always seemed to be scolding Sirius for acting too feminine. Sometimes it felt funny, in a sad kind of way. Sirius acted like a girl, and Regulus wished he could act more like a boy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought sometimes that maybe it would be better if the roles had been reversed, if Sirius had been the sister, and Regulus had been the brother. But Sirius didn’t want to be a girl, not the same way Regulus wanted to be a boy. It just seemed, to Regulus, that it would have made so much more sense if his brother had felt that way. The way Regulus had seen him look at boys, and when they snuck into his mothers room, and Sirius stole her eye pencil, and done messy black liner around his eyes, when no one but Regulus was around. It was an unspoken thing, really, that it was okay for them to really be themselves around each other, and no one else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who cares what </span>
  <em>
    <span>mother </span>
  </em>
  <span>thinks?” Sirius said, getting more impatient by the second. Regulus swallowed, and then nodded. He didn’t feel as confident as his brother did, but the way Sirius was acting gave him some kind of second hand confidence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” He nodded nervously. “But don’t cut too much.” He wanted Sirius to cut too much, but maybe if it was only a little short, his mother would not be quite as angry. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, only opening them after he heard the sharp cutting sound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned to look at Sirius, who was holding Regulus’ ponytail in his hand, and the scissors in the other. Sirius looked disappointed. “I think it’s still too long.” He said, frowning. Regulus frowned back, running his hand through his hair, which was now falling around his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it’s shorter than yours.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, yeah.” Sirius crossed his arms. “Okay, okay. Fine.” He stood, holding out the hand that wasn’t holding the ponytail to Regulus, pulling him to his feet. Just as they turned, the door opened, and Walburga Black was standing in the entrance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked at Sirius first, who had already stuffed the ponytail into his pocket, and held the scissors behind his back. She always looked at Sirius first, because Regulus was usually more subtle at getting into trouble. And the things he did usually got blamed on Sirius anyway, which wasn’t necessarily fair, though usually it was Sirius’ fault. More than Regulus’ at least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Walburga turned her gaze from older son to Regulus, and her face filled with rage. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>LYRA!</span>
  </em>
  <span>” She snapped. “What the </span>
  <em>
    <span>hell</span>
  </em>
  <span> have you done to your hair?” Regulus turned white, the name his parents had given him stung. As much as he tried to accept it, it always stung. It was just a game, he told himself. Regulus wasn’t who he was, Regulus was just a character. For a game. A game that would end as soon as the summer did, and Sirius went to school, and he was alone at home. And who knew what would happen after Sirius came home, how school would change him. Regulus wished he could stop his brother from leaving, at least until he could go too. Sirius was his best friend, his only friend, really, besides Kreacher, and it seemed odd to call a house elf a best friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Regulus stood there for a moment, trying to come up with words he could say without fumbling. It came to him in a split second, and he was saying it before he could stop himself. “It was Sirius,” He said, his lip trembling, though it was more out of fear than sadness - He really did feel like might cry, though. “It was Sirius,” He repeated as tears welled up in his eyes. “I didn’t want to..” Walburga turned to his brother, and Regulus stared at the ground, though not quickly enough to avoid catching the panicked and confused look his brother shot him before he was dragged from the room by his mother.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door slammed shut, and then he was alone, standing in the middle of the room, tears rolling down his cheeks. He wiped at them quickly - “Mustn't be a baby, Lyra.” He said to himself quietly. Reaching up, he touched his new haircut. It felt a little choppy, though he hadn’t looked in a mirror. But still better than before. More like him. Well, more like Regulus, he considered. But still. </span>
</p><p><br/>
_______________________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Regulus poked his head into Sirius’ room as he went to bed that night. His brother was laying on his bed, and gave him a pointed glare when he entered. “What do you want?” His said, his words more venomous than Regulus was used to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” He chewed his lip, and folded his arms across his chest. “I told you she’d be mad. And..” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what? I thought we’d take the blame together.” Sirius snapped back. “You know, because we’re brothers -” Regulus gave him a sharp look, and he bit his lip. “Family. Because we’re family.” Regulus stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him softly. The house was large, almost cavernous, and the brothers' bedrooms were on the top floor. But still, Regulus didn’t want to risk their mother hearing him in Sirius’ room. She had made it fairly clear when she’d spoken to him before she’d charmed his hair back that Sirius was a bad influence, and he didn’t think she’d be pleased that they were talking. He took a step further into the room, but his brother gave him yet another look, so he stopped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re really mad.” He said, not quite a question, but not wanting it to be a statement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius sighed heavily and shook his head, so Regulus padded across the room to sit on the edge of his brother’s bed. “I’m not really mad, just a little.” Sirius said, and then, when he saw his brothers face, quickly added, “Kidding, I’m kidding.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Regulus stared at his lap. “You know, I wish I was a boy.” He said, quietly.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, obviously.” Sirius responded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Regulus had not thought it was obvious. “Not just for the game, I mean. For real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” His brother repeated. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I know</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bit his lip, trying hard not to cry. He didn’t know why it made him so upset, honestly - Sirius wasn’t angry about it, if anything, he was the opposite. But still. There was a part of him that had hoped his brother would admonish him, tell him he was being silly. Convince him it really was just playing, and then he could go on with his life as normal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course he hadn’t, though. Because Sirius was different too, and so of course he knew. That was just how things were. Regulus wiped at his eyes, quickly. “Do you - Do you really have to go away? For school?” He knew it was a silly thing to ask, really, but still. There was nothing he wanted less, in the entire world, to be stuck alone in this house, for a the whole school year. Or, not really alone, but neither his parents were much company, and Kreacher wasn’t really much better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sirius sat up, ruffling his hair - he hated that, it made him feel like he was just a kid to his brother, when really, he was barely younger - and gave him a smile. “Yeah, of course. But I’ll be back for Christmas. And then, next year..” His smile was a grin now. “We’ll both be at school, and everything will be the same again. Alright?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Regulus wasn’t necessarily sure he believed it, but he nodded all the same. “Yeah. Yeah, alright.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. winter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It became evident long before Christmas, however, that everything would not be the same again. Regulus wasn’t sure whether he should see what his mother was referring to as his brother’s ‘complete disgrace to the family’ as a good thing or a bad. On one hand, of course it wasn’t. Of course it wasn’t a good  thing, that his brother had gone and mucked everything up, gotten into Gryffindor, and made friends with a bunch of people who, according to both of his parents, were not the sort of people someone like Sirius ought to be making friends with. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regulus didn’t think there was much of a should or shouldn’t when it came to who Sirius made friends with, or really anything his brother did, but he kept it to himself - There was a should and shouldn’t when it came to the things he did, especially when those things had anything to do with the family. Especially now that his brother didn’t seem to have any interest in it, it being the Black family. Or the preservation of the Black family name, or whatever. And Sirius was the oldest son, he was supposed to be the heir. Regulus wasn’t even entirely sure what other options there were, he couldn’t very well be the heir. Being a girl, and all. Or being something like a girl, at least. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Honestly, Regulus might not have seen much of an issue with his brother being in Gryffindor, if it hadn’t made their mother so angry. But as it stood, he had decided to be angry about, and he spent all of Christmas break avoiding his brother, which wasn’t too hard, as Sirius mostly sequestered himself to his room, writing letters to his friends from school, and moping. Regulus ghosted around the house, and for the most part, spent his time talking only to Kreacher. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The silence between the two brothers finally broke a few days before Sirius was set to go back to school. Honestly, Regulus wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, but when they ran into each other on the stairs that evening, he didn’t scurry back to his room like usual. “You’ve got to fix it.” He demanded. Sirius looked at him, unimpressed, and Regulus felt a welling in his stomach, like he might cry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fix what?” His brother snapped. “I think everything is actually going pretty well.” The way he said it, though, it did seem as he might not believe that as much as he wanted to. Regulus chewed his lip - he knew his brother well enough to know when he was probably lying, but he also knew that he was too stubborn to tell you, even when you knew. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought…” Regulus started, and then trailed off. He wasn’t going to let himself cry in front of Sirius, no matter how much he wanted to. “How is it supposed to be all the same as before?” He said, trying to sound more confident than terrified. “I thought it was all going to be the same as before, and now you’ve mucked it all up and gotten into stupid Gryffindor and you know I can’t and.. And.. And..” He stammered, trying to find his words before Sirius could interrupt him. “And why can’t you just - Just pretend enough that mother won’t be angry at you!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It took Sirius longer to respond then Regulus would’ve thought, but when he finally spoke, it was in a sharp, biting tone that made Regulus feel very small. “Don’t be a baby,” He said. “You’re just upset that you’ve got to be here all alone, and I get to go to school, and I have real friends, not just a stupid house elf.” A tear dripped down Regulus’ cheek, and he stared at the floor. “Anyway,” his brother continued. “I don’t care if mother is angry with me. I don’t give a shit what she thinks.” And then he turned, and stormed up the rest of the stairs, slamming the door to his bedroom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Regulus stood on the stairs, wiping his face hurriedly - It wasn’t as though anyone would see him crying, but for some reason, he still felt very exposed. Sirius didn’t snap, really, or he hadn’t. Not like that, at least. They had arguments, but everyone had arguments were their siblings, the sort of thing that maybe you sat with for a day or two, but eventually you said sorry, and everything was fine. Especially with Sirius. He was all Regulus had ever really had, and it had always seemed like it was the other way around too, but Regulus was beginning to think that wasn’t the case anymore. Not with his brother off at school, with all these new friends. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It might have been the sort of argument that only lasted for a few days, except two days later Sirius was getting back on a train to Hogwarts, and if the amount of letters he’d sent home during the first half of the school year were any indication, he would be much too busy to write home, even to his brother. Regulus didn’t want to be bitter, or mad about this, but he couldn’t help it. He’d lost his best friend, and he had no control over getting him back again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At the top of the stairs, he paused - He could knock on Sirius’ door, apologize, tell him it didn’t matter, that he didn’t care about any of it as long as they could still be friends, even a little. He took a deep breath, and then stopped himself. No. Sure, he didn’t have control over much in his life, not really. But he wasn’t going to roll over for Sirius and act like everything was fine, when it so clearly wasn’t. If his brother was sorry, he’d say he was sorry. Though, he probably wasn’t, , and Regulus knew it. Sirius had always been different than the rest of their family, they both knew it, everyone did. But this was more than Sirius just being Sirius - It was as if going off to Hogwarts had changed something about him, had made him lose his entire ability to care. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Only one of them could afford not to care, Regulus thought. And it was being made crystal clear to him that he had no choice over which one of them it would be - Sirius had made the choice for both of them.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>